Short belayed birthday update

January 16, 2015

Long time no post.

Tuesday was my birthday and I turned f*cking 28. Might not sound old to some of you but if your doctors have been telling you for 10 years that you won’t have much time left to live, it feels pretty awesome.

Unfortunately still not all cfers reach that age. Only thinking of last year I can’t count the friends that died without reaching their 30ies, some never turned 20 and my little princess only got to live 8 years in this world before she passed after suffering a long time on ICU.

Last year I lost many of my really close friends.

In 2010 I was in coma and there was not even one doctor that had not given up on me. Even my family couldn’t really believe that I might make it. But I did. They had to amputate 3 fingers and 3 toes, but I lived. I needed a big heart surgery. But I lived.

In 2012 I was denied to get a transplant. They said I only had 6 months left and then I’d die. But I lived.

In July 2012 I had a stroke. It wasn’t sure if my body could handle the huge pressure in my brain. But I lived.

The doctors have given up on me so many times, i don’t really trust their prognosis anymore.

In 2015 I just wanna enjoy my life. Go on vacation and try to get my strength back. Right now my lungs don’t feel that bad. I think I can afford to take that break, that I need so bad. I will dedicate my time to Adrian and my close friends and family. I’ve spent too many months in hospital. I’m tired of it.

I wanna live with cf but in the last months and years I’ve been living for the cf- the disease controlled my life. My day plans are according to my therapy any treatments. I’m in hospital so often. Many times I must say “sorry I can’t” when I’m asked to meet with my friends.

I just wanna enjoy my life in 2015.
I wanna become 30 but to achieve that goal I need to be stronger than I’ve been lately. I noticed that I had more negative thoughts than ever before although my life isn’t that bad.

I have a car, a nice big apartment, a boyfriend that loves me, true friends that really care about me. I have enough money to buy whatever I need. But anyways-there’s something I’m missing.

I miss going to school or having a job… I don’t know. Well. It’s 1 in the morning right now and I should sleep. I’ll try to write more soon. Lots of things to do lately. But I’ll try to make some time to post an update.

Goodnight

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