Another week goes by…
October 28, 2012
New week, New hope
Another week is about to start. This week was ok for me. Monday and Tuesday I didn’t have therapy because of my back. On Wednesday I went to my cf hospital to see a specialist for my spine. After the 3- hours car ride I had to wait 2.5 hours. I forgot my book but Luis was with me so I didn’t get bored. I just had incredible back pain because I still can’t sit very well because of the back. When we finally got to see the doctor he told us that he couldn’t see anything in the MRI because they didn’t use contrast liquid. I got a little mad because when they did the MRI I asked several times if they didn’t want to use contrast liquid. But they told me that it wasn’t needed.
The specialist also said that he couldn’t see any infection, but he also couldn’t say for sure that there is no infection anymore. He didn’t know why the other doctor said there was an infection, he told me that in this MRI you just can’t see anything. So i got even more upset because this idiot, that calls himself a doctor, told me I had an infection, when there isn’t any proof for it. He made me worry for a week for nothing. After the hospital we went home and on our way home Luis and me watched a really funny movie. He was happy because the doctor said he can’t see an infection but I was still worried because he also said he didn’t know if there’s no infection anymore. There’s still a possibility that the inflammation is there. I have to get another MRI done to check. I have lots of pain and its getting worse, so I’m still worried why it is like that.
When we were almost home we stopped by at a car dealer. My car isn’t possible for me anymore. I need an automatic car, because I can only use one hand anymore that I can use well. And my car is too small. When the wheelchair is in the trunk, there’s no more space for my oxygen tank because the wheelchair needs the backseats too. I tested a BMW X1 and it was perfect. It was small enough to see everything although I’m so small but big enough to put everything in the car. It would be a perfect car for me. At my therapy I could do a test if I could drive again. I hope so bad that I pass the test. Without a car I’m so lost. I can’t get anywhere, can’t meet friends, can’t go to the movies or to buy Christmas presents. On Thursday I went to my therapy again. It was a very long, hard day. I had so much pain on that day, I fell with my wheelchair because the oxygen in the back of the wheelchair was too heavy. I was glad that therapists where close and could help me immediately. But all day I was tired because the pain woke me up all night. And I had pain on that day too. I had a group therapy with 2 old men that were complaining all the time, that they couldn’t move well, that they had pain etc. so I asked why they had to go to the therapy and they told me that they had a stroke but they also told me that they didn’t have consequences from the stroke, no paralyzing or other problems. They told me that they just feel horrible because they’re old. So I told them that first of all they’re lucky that the stroke didn’t paralyze them like it happened to me. Second that they should be thankful that they became that old and that they had a healthy life. I didn’t even have one healthy year. I wish I cold have finished college or learn a job at least. I couldn’t do any of that. Even going to school was hard for me. After I came home from therapy finally, I went straight to bed because I felt so cruel. I had thrown up twice during the therapy and when I arrived home I had a cruel headache and felt sick from my stomach so I went to sleep for a while. Later in the evening my friends came to look after me. I was happy to see them but I still felt sick, I sweated all the time. I felt cold and hot at the same time. I had fever and still a headache. On this evening I had a huge fight with my dad and I started to doubt everything. Why am I still fighting? To have pain around the clock without even an hour break? To have trouble breathing all the time? To be paralyzed and spend 6 hours with therapy all the time? I feel useless and unnecessary because I can’t work or do anything else. Right now I can’t even do the things that gave me strength before, meeting friends, going to the movies, just going out, walking through the stores, just to see what they sell, without buying anything. Just to feel a little normal… On Friday I was still sick so I stayed at home, recovering in the morning and in the afternoon we went to buy clothes that I could put on with one hand. I am still afraid of the day that Luis leaves. Only one week left 😦 I will miss him like crazy and I don’t know how to handle everything on my own. He helps me so much. On Saturday we went to have brunch with friends of ours and after that we went to the stores to buy pants without buttons. Afterwards my mum, sister, uncle, aunt and cousins visited us. My uncle and my stepdad helped me to put mirrors and pictures on the wall and fixed the door bell. I was very happy to see them all again and that they helped me of course… Luis noticed, that he lost his phone and a guy called, telling us that he found the phone and that he’d like to give it back. We were all were very surprised because most people would just have taken the phone and sold it somewhere. So in the evening we went to pick up his phone and we were both very happy that this guy gave the phone back. But when we gave it back we didn’t even had time to ask him for his name. So we called him later to ask him for his name and we invited him to go and drink something. Today on Sunday we slept long and then my grandparents came to visit us. They were happy to see me getting better but I still don’t feel improving enough. We went to the cafe next to our house and had cake and tea. Afterwards we went back to the apartment and I explained to my grandpa how to use his iPad. Then we went to see the guy that gave back the phone and his wife. We were talking for about 3 hours. They were really nice and cool. We saved our phone numbers so we could call each other and then we went home. Now it’s 00.17am and I’m still not in bed although I have to get up at 7am in the morning. So, I think, it’s time to stop writing for today and to continue tomorrow,
Goodnight for now 🙂