37 – frustration

September 3, 2012

I had a good day, I tried to walk with my therapists and I did really good, I’m already moving my leg a little. Lunch was horrible as always but I was talking to a younger lady that was very nice. Then I tried to sleep although it was noisy and my roommate bothered me. After my nap I had one last therapy, then Luis visited me like he does every day. We went to have some food and coffee in the cafeteria and after that we just relaxed in bed and talked. Then my uncle showed up. That was a surprise because I didnt know he would come to see me. We talked to him too and we laughed and it was really cool. But right now I’m in my bed, feeling very desperate. Just a few little
, unimportant things made me feel like that. It’s Just too much at the moment. Usually Luis helps me to take out the clothes for the next day because the nurses don’t care what we want to wear so Luis helps me to get my clothes so I can pick what I want. But tomorrow I have to wear what they give me…then I was lying Almost at the end of the bed so I couldn’t put my legs and feet in bed completely, I tried to get my body up a little, so my head would be on the pillow. But I couldn’t do it on my own…then l
I couldn’t see the tv because Luis forgot to close the closet after taking out his backpack. I can’t walk and although it was just one single meter away I had to call a nurse. I noticed that its almost impossible to do things on my own… I want my arm and leg back 😦 I wish there was a way how I could undo the stroke. I’m sitting or lying all day, so I’m gaining weight like crazy. Luis and my family are happy about it because it’s better for the transplant. But I hate it. The cortisone makes my face look fat and my body is fat now too and I feel so ugly and ashamed 😦 I wanna be able to go back to the gym. Before I did about 2-3 hours of sports daily. With oxygen of course but at least I was doing sports. I miss that. And I hate myself right now and I’m sure that this is my main problem right now 😦 I know Luis loves me anyways, but I don’t love myself. I hate my body right now… 😦 I know I should be happy that I’m doing better already but I’m not. And I’m sorry for it… I know I should be more thankful that I am getting better and better and that i have such a great boyfriend that helps so much and visits me every day.i also have really great friends that care so much… But right now I just feel like shit 😦


4 Responses to “37 – frustration”

  1. Dani, I’m sorry to hear you feel that way about yourself, because all we see is the most amazing, most inspiring, strongest, and most beautiful PERSON anyone could ever hope to be – both inside AND out. It’s natural you want to go back to the gym …. you wouldn’t be YOU if you didn’t. That’s what makes you so incredible. The drive and strength you have to succeed and overcome absolutely defines who you are. And we all, ALL OF US, love you, no matter what.

  2. Mike Mattison Says:

    Hang in there Dani. Tomorrow…it’ll be here soon.

  3. cassam101 Says:

    I left a comment on your last post but it’s disappeared. Hang in there Dani and take baby steps. Are you in a CF until at the hospital? I wish you lived in the UK there are lots of CF specialist units where you would have your own room and nurses who would help you more. Good your are writing your blog again. Love Anne x

  4. kenshin Says:

    always remenber…. “the future is based on dreams”. frustation, desperation, ansiaty are always with us, but also hope, courage, strenght. don’t look back on the things that used to be, look at you plan for you’re future.

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