31 – Still in hospital
June 1, 2012
I am still in hospital. I thought I could go home today but it wasn’t possible.
My back is worse than they thought. The infection is very big. I need antibiotics for six more weeks. I hope my kidneys won’t act up.
The problem is, that now I can’t go back to the other transplant hospital for two more months. I won’t get back on the transplant list and won’t get lungs before fall also I need them so much.
They also checked my heart. Two valves are not working well. Soon I have to do more tests to see, if I need new valves.
Today I don’t feel very well. I was in pain all night. They injected morphine, so I felt sleepy all day. My blood pressure was incredibly low. It was only 60/30 which is really really low.
Most people pass out with a blood pressure like this. I just feel very bad.
Right now I’m watching a movie and having dinner. I ordered some pizza and salad. I try not to think.
They told me today, that the pain will never go away, and that the numb parts of my legs and feet will never recover, they said the feeling will never come back.
They also said that most infections like this never heal completely. And if it doesn’t heal I can’t get a transplant.
Things don’t look very good but I try not to think about it.
I finished the picture for my stepson.
And I planned my trip to Italy next week. I will visit my family there. That will be cool. I don’t want to think about my health right now. I know that my chances to live for some more years are very low. And the pain scares me. But I just try to watch movies and distract myself. Right now I don’t want to realize the truth.