24 – I miss Luis
April 29, 2012
Today I slept till 12.30 in the noon because I was throwing up all night.
I have a new roommate again, but this time she is very nice and it makes things easier for me.
Today my brothers were here. I was so happy about that.
I only had little pain today. Breathing was a little hard and I was throwing up, but besides that it was a very good day for me and I could recover a little and get some strength back. After my brothers left, I fell asleep again immediately.
I even was able to read a little . I am so thankful for days like this. In the last three months the pain was so horrible, many times I really couldn’t stand it anymore.
I hope, that I can reduce the morphine a little more or stop taking it at all. I reduced it during the last days already. I am afraid of an addiction.
I just opened the window completely and im enjoying the warm evening- breeze.
I hope so bad, that I can go to my sister’s wedding.
Probably Luis will come over for some days the and I really want to spend some days at home with him.
I can deal with being in this bed around the clock, even to pee or to wash myself.
Unfortunately some others can’t deal with it. It always hurts to loose persons, that mean something to you. I already lost many people because of the disease. But also this time some people don’t talk to me anymore. Sometimes I feel forgotten.
I wish I could go out with my friends… But I don’t belong to them anymore.
In the first two weeks everybody calls and visits me. But after a while it’s normal to them that i am here and nobody cares about it anymore.
That makes me so sad. I am glad that I still have so many people that support me.
I feel bad because my family and Luis worry so much about me.
For them it’s harder than for me. Sometimes in wish, I could go through this alone, without them knowing. But I am also glad and happy, that they are there for me. They give me power and strength and hope.
But I miss Luis…
I miss, to be im his arms. I miss, that he hold my hand when i am in pain. He has the talent to calm me down and to distract me. To convince me, that soon it will be better and that I will be fine.
When he was here, it was so much easier. I wish he was here.