23 – I don’t want to go
April 29, 2012
Yesterday I didn’t write, because I was in a lot of pain.
In the evening they found out, that The doc forgot to turn the morphine pump on again after she changed the infusion.
I didn’t get any morphine all day. When the pump was on, the pain got better.
Today I am feeling good compared to the other days. The pain is still strong but I can control it.
I have a machine, that moves my numb and paralyzed feet and legs without me working. I don’t have to use my own muscle power. The machine moves me on its own.
First it hurt a lot. But now I can do more than an hour already🙂
I try to train and practice as much as I can. I try to work hard on myself.
I don’t know if the doctors will give me the chance to get new lungs, but I won’t give up.
I will fight till the end. I won’t stop.
Today was a better day.
After my training in the morning I was very tired and slept till 1pm.
Then my mum visited me.
We talked and I was drawing.
The picture for Luis is almost finished, just some details are missing.
In the evening I used the machine again. After that the nurse washed my hair🙂 they only to it once a week or less, so I’m always very happy when they do it.
I still think a lot about what will happen, if I don’t get lungs.
The neurosurgeon still doesn’t want to operate the vertebras.
The transplant doc doesn’t want to put me back on the waiting list until my spine is not operated.
Next week they want to discuss it again. But it doesn’t look very good.
Today it was very hot and we don’t have air conditioning.
I think of my home. Of my garden.
I was reading in the sun after my therapy very often.
I think of the wind, that was playing with my hair. And the little breeze that cooled my skin.
I think of the evenings with my friends, when we had barbecues together.
Of my long walks on gran Canaria.
I think of the trip to the rain forest with Luis.
I think of him, how we were hugging at the beach.
Of the long drives in the car, when we talked for hours, when we laughed and sang.
I think of the time with my stepson. My bodyguard. One day, he bought a bracelet for me. I still have it.
I think of the trips with my brothers. We love to go to roller coaster parks together and we always have lots of fun together.
I think of the vacations with my father. He taught me water skiing.
I think of the holiday, that I spent in Italy with my mother, we were always riding our bikes and went to eat ice cream with my uncle and aunt.
I think of the trips to Tenerife and Gran Canaria with my sister. It was do beautiful. We saw wild, free living whales.
I don’t want to go yet. I still have so many plans.
I want those new lungs so bad.
Yesterday I was shopping online. I was looking at the shoes.
When I wanted to buy a pair, I remembered, that maybe I won’t need shoes ever again.