8 – Dream away with me…
April 9, 2012
Yesterday the pain became worse. I was happy that my sister visited me. She brought me some Mc Donald food and she baked a cake for me. We ate and talked and laughed but the pain was so strong that I couldn’t hide it completely. My sister was worried. I hate to worry my family 😦
She brought me lots of audio books and sweets.
When she went home the pain was already terrible. I did some online shopping to distract me and bought little presents for my parents, brothers and my sister. I want to show them how much they mean to me and I want to put a smile on their faces. Because usually I make them cry.
Later they gave me antibiotic infusions. In the morning they had told me, that they wanted to wait with the antibiotics until they know what germ causes the infection and which medicine would help best. They said that they would only give me antibiotics today if the blood test comes out very bad. But now that they changed their mind and the antibiotic infusion was running in, I knew my blood test results must have been bad.
The pain got worse with every hour that passed by. I tried to sleep. When I woke up again, l couldn’t really move my legs anymore. I also couldn’t feel it when I touched them. I only felt horrible pain. They gave me morphine but it didn’t really help.
The pulse and blood pressure were still bad so they decided to let me sleep. I didn’t really wake up all morning. I was awake but I was not really there. The pain makes me feel like throwing up.
A few minutes ago some doctors have been here, specialists. They told me they will do more tests today. I am not able to do Anything but lying in bed. I cant read or watch movies because i cant concentrate. I’m falling asleep very often but the pain always wakes me up after some minutes.
I try to dream away, as always. I remembered one day in summer. I was outside for a walk, smelling the grass, listening to the birds and enjoying the sun. Luis called me and he was singing a love song into the phone. That was so sweet and my heart jumped. I will never forget this moment…
I thought of the moments in my car… I love to drive. I sit there singing and hopping on my seat and everybody that sees me thinks i am completely crazy. But I just love it and I feel pure happiness. When I feel sad or depressed the best medicine for me is my car. I have big speakers in there and I always listen to loud music. I just realized that I won’t be able to drive anymore if i am paralyzed… Most probably I won’t leave hospital ever again if I am paralyzed but even if I do I can’t drive my car. That makes me very sad. It’s crazy. So many things in my life that go incredibly wrong right now and I start to cry about my car.
I also dreamed of my childhood. One of the friends that I had in primary school texted me yesterday. So now
I remember all the things we did. I always visited him at home and his mum allowed us to eat lots of ice cream. He loved the same books like I did and so we were reading together a lot. He was very smart and we loved to play quiz games or any other kind of game where you had to use your brain.
I also had a lot of random thoughts. I remembered how I used to sneak in my mum’s room and steal cookies. I loved cookies, I was crazy for any kind of sweets so my mum had to hide them. But after a few days I always found out where they were.
It is crazy what memories you keep. The little things are the ones that you never forget. And they are also the ones that I love the most now. At the moment I use all those memories to keep myself alive. I can’t do anything here, but the memories still show me how great life is. Even when I don’t feel any of those things anymore. I don’t feel the sun on my body. I don’t feel the morning air outside. I don’t feel grass on my naked feet. I don’t feel the happiness I had when I was walking outside hand in hand with Luis. I don’t feel protected as I did when I was a kid, sleeping in daddy’s arms. I can’t join my friends anymore when they go out. We used to talk and laugh so much together. I can’t take hot baths anymore, just relax in the water with candles and nice
Music like I used to.
I miss being a kid. When you fell and you came home crying because there was one little blood drop on your knee, everybody cared and with a little attention they were able to
Heal the pain. When I had nightmares
Somebody was there to watch my sleep. When I went to the doctors somebody was there to hold my hand. When I felt terrible somebody was there to let me sleep in his arms. I miss being protected. I miss being Hugged.
I know I have the choice to stop fighting any time I want to. But even when i feel horrible right now and the pain is so cruel- I won’t give up. I still want to live. I still want to wait for Luis to come over and i still hope he will find a way to stay. I still want to have so much more fun with my brothers. I still want to go on vacation with my dad. I still want to go to a wellness hotel with my sister. I won’t give up. Even when the pain makes my life so horrible right now.
I will write more later after the tests… Writing is very hard and exhausting for me… So for now I will just keep dreaming away.
For the next update stay tuned to my twitter: @kruemelfrost