7 – Hold me…!
April 8, 2012
Today it’s Easter. They gave me a Easter egg for breakfast. Today in the afternoon my sister is going to visit me.
Yesterday I had another talk with my doctor. It was very depressing. My pulse is around 40 and the blood pressure is very low also. The infection signs keep getting higher. They say that i will need the iv antibiotics for a long time. Most probably for several months. Next week they decide if they will operate my vertebras. It is necessary, because the spine is not stable. The germs are attacking the bone. With this vertebras they wont transplant my lungs and I would die of suffocating. If they don’t do the surgery I will be paralyzed most probably. When I lie in bed my lungs get worse and the risk of getting a pneumonia is huge. The lungs would not make it very long. So I hope very much, that the doctors decide to do the surgery. But at the moment they are not sure because the lungs aren’t strong enough for such a surgery and that the operation will threat my life. The chances don’t look very good right now.
I don’t want stay in my bed in pain, waiting to die of suffocating. if they won’t do the surgery I’m not sure what I will do. But I want to die with dignity and pride. Not painfully, screaming and crying and suffering.
The pain is still extremely horrible. Even when I can hide it better now, it is killing me inside. I don’t sleep at night. I can’t read a book or watch movies. Eating is very hard for me. When the back pain gets worst, it goes down to the legs too. Yesterday it was so cruel, that I would have amputated my leg myself If I had the chance. There is no position that makes the pain a lil better.
Often I watch photos of the good times. Of my vacation in puerto Rico. Or of the trips with Luis in Germany. Things were much easier when he was here. Just his appearance gave me strength.
Right now I often wish so bad, that He was there to hug me. I wish, that he was there holding my hand when the pain becomes terribly cruel. I wish he could give me a goodnight-kiss after the doctors told me more horrible news. I need somebody to cry with me and laugh with me. I wish so bad to have him here by my side to go with me through this. To dream together with me. To help me with the little things, that make my days so incredibly difficult, hard and painful.
It is really hard to be alone day and night, without any hugs, when you are told that you might die and you can feel every day that the doctors are maybe right. I wish he was here by my side.
Yesterday I watched pictures on Facebook. Luis’ cousin for example, is on vacation right now. I watched all the photos of the nature in the Dominican Republic… Other friends had pictures of Australia, Japan, Africa… I wish I had more time to see all those places in real. I still had so many plans 😦
Most people always say: ah, we pray for you and you will be healthy. Those not very intelligent words dont make it easier for me. I won’t stop fighting and I still believe I will survive. But anyways I have to think about what could happen and i have to learn to deal with it. Many people ask, how I feel, but they don’t want to hear it if I say, that I’m not feeling good right now. Often it would help me much more, if they listened to my fears and talked about them. If I was allowed to tell them, how bad I really feel. Sometimes I need a break of being the strong fighter. Sometimes I need somebody who is there for me and listens to me and hugs me and cuddles me. I can’t be strong always. For Easter, my wish is, to have one hour without pain. Just a little break. Maybe walking for some minutes outside in the sun. And mostly, one hour with Luis here, in which I can get some strength, I can cuddle and just feel that somebody is holding me. To feel that I’m not alone in this fight.