6 – Thoughts
April 7, 2012
After i was able to sleep finally last night, i woke up today with horrible pain and cramps. When one of the many painkillers worked after 30 minutes, i was already comletely sweaty because of the crying, screaming and the cramps. When I was lying in my bed that exhausted, a lot of thoughts were running through my mind. I want to share some of them here today.
The doctor just has been here. The infection signs in the blood are rising quickly. She told me very clearly that I should not move for any reason if I want to avoid being paralyzed forever because the spine is so unstable. When I asked her if I could at least sit in bed sometimes she told me I shouldn’t even turn around. Now
I’m lying here thinking.
Many people ask me if I’m
Afraid of dying. I’m not really afraid but it’s making me so sad. There are so many things that I still want to see, to do and to experience. I still have no many dreams.
What scares me is, how terrible it will be for my loved ones if I die.That’s afflicting me a lot.
I still can’t believe that I could die young. It feels more like a bad dream and I’m waiting to wake up.
My dream is, to marry Luis before I die. I always thought a marriage is meaningless. Just a piece of paper. But now it makes a difference to me if I am his girlfriend or his wife. I don’t know. He means so much to me and I would just be proud to be his wife and to die as his wife.
I wish he could stay with me here by my side for he next months, which will be so important and deciding about my survival or my death. I wish he didn’t have to work.
Today I also wish, that my dad and my brothers were here. But my brothers are at school and my dad is on vacation.
I feel so tired and powerless. You can’t imagine how exhausting it can be to lie in bed all day.