6 – Thoughts

April 7, 2012

After i was able to sleep finally last night, i woke up today with horrible pain and cramps. When one of the many painkillers worked after 30 minutes, i was already comletely sweaty because of the crying, screaming and the cramps. When I was lying in my bed that exhausted, a lot of thoughts were running through my mind. I want to share some of them here today.
The doctor just has been here. The infection signs in the blood are rising quickly. She told me very clearly that I should not move for any reason if I want to avoid being paralyzed forever because the spine is so unstable. When I asked her if I could at least sit in bed sometimes she told me I shouldn’t even turn around. Now
I’m lying here thinking.
Many people ask me if I’m
Afraid of dying. I’m not really afraid but it’s making me so sad. There are so many things that I still want to see, to do and to experience. I still have no many dreams.
What scares me is, how terrible it will be for my loved ones if I die.That’s afflicting me a lot.
I still can’t believe that I could die young. It feels more like a bad dream and I’m waiting to wake up.
My dream is, to marry Luis before I die. I always thought a marriage is meaningless. Just a piece of paper. But now it makes a difference to me if I am his girlfriend or his wife. I don’t know. He means so much to me and I would just be proud to be his wife and to die as his wife.
I wish he could stay with me here by my side for he next months, which will be so important and deciding about my survival or my death. I wish he didn’t have to work.
Today I also wish, that my dad and my brothers were here. But my brothers are at school and my dad is on vacation.
I feel so tired and powerless. You can’t imagine how exhausting it can be to lie in bed all day.


2 Responses to “6 – Thoughts”

  1. liz eckersley Says:

    you are so brave and are being honest in what you want from your life. i hope you get more time to spend wit your family and your man. are you lying flat on your back? im racking my brain as to what hobby you could do to help.you pass the time. i think writing your blog is good. maybe you could start researching writing a book about your life. ask family and friends to bring photos in. old and new. you could look at them and write about what you remember about that time. im sending lots.if love to you xxxx

  2. Dearheart, please know even during the darkest times when illness narrows your world into a tiny corner, I am there with you, all of us who love you so much are right there with you; you are never, ever, ever alone!! I would willing take your pain and suffering for your in a heartbeat!!! {{{Hugs}}}

    I have just read your blog all the way through for the very first time and have to say I think this is a wonderful idea – I hate so much that you are suffering with this – it’s just not fair – but there is no better way to educate the “outside” world about the ravages of this horrible disease than with your words. You are quite the writer! It probably helps you to know that your words are helping others and putting your thoughts into words helps some as well. Reading your words opens a window for me into what my Mikey was thinking but never could put into words and for that I am eternally grateful.

    You are such an amazing wonderful person with a most beautiful loving spirit and the biggest “heart” of anyone I have even known! I value your friendship and love you more than you could ever know and please know, no matter what happens to us in this lifetime, that love like that never dies, it’s forever!!

    So now we need to keep your mind busy while the rest of you is still? No easy task, but I do like the previous suggestion about a book; I have often thought of writing Mikey’s story and would love to help you with yours as well. Or a book or story about dance or your wishes and dreams? You are so talented in so many ways! Another suggestion, not sure if you’re interested in genealogy but I work on that when I am ill and not mobile and also assist others in locating living family members in the US once they have emigrated from Germany. Yes, you might be several generations apart from these cousins but it can be fun to reconnect with them – I’d be more than happy to assist you with anything to keep that wonderful mind of yours occupied!

    Thank you for your friendship love and support and please know that I’m sending the same back to you! {{Hugs}}}

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