2 – I miss home
April 4, 2012
Right now i am feeling horrible.
It’s hard for me to keep my eyes opened and to concentrate. The pain is so terrible…
In the morning I felt much better than usually and I was so happy about that. I was sure that this would be a great day. I did my physio therapy, I listened to a cd and fell asleep. I was woken up by an incredible pain, stronger than all the pain I had during the last weeks. The doctors injected me medicine that would knock me out for a while. It is like some kind of coma. In the afternoon I woke up and a friend was here. I couldn’t enjoy his visit because I was still so in pain and the doctors decided to knock me out again. I have been up for 90 minutes now but the pain is killing me.
On days like this it’s so hard to keep fighting. It would be so much easier to give up. I know that I will have a great time after my transplant. But on days like today it is so hard to motivate yourself to keep going. It was easier when my boyfriend was here, but its terrible to go through all this all alone, nobody that hugs me, talks to me, cuddles me and tells me he loves me. Just me and the pain.
Sometimes I wonder if I bother others, If I call my friends and family too often because I’m so bored and alone here. Sometimes I want to know every little detail about their day because I feel like I was there with them. I feel like I was joining them to work, to restaurants etc. But to them it feels like I want to control them.
I am trying to be strong and to be there for my family and friends. I tell them, that I will be fine. That I can do this. But sometimes I need some support too. Sometimes I would do anything to talk to my hubby and friends for 24 hours although I know that they can’t because they have their own lives too.
I am fighting so hard. I never get a break. Honestly, on days like today I also feel like I can’t no more. Like I’m
Breaking down. I know I can’t get a break. And I also know I won’t be breaking down and I know I still have power to fight. I won’t give up.
In the morning my doctors talked to me. They say that the pain won’t get any better before the transplant. That frustrates me a little. They also say that maybe I can’t leave the hospital as long as I don’t have lungs. What means that maybe I have to stay here for several more months.
I miss the little things… I miss my shower. I miss my own bed. I miss home…