1 – What i’m dreaming of
April 3, 2012
This will be my first blog entry. At the moment I am in a small hospital close to my home town. I only spent about 5 weeks at home this year yet. The rest of the time I have been in hospitals. I’m here because I am in incredibly strong pain. It can’t be controlled, not even with morphine. I barely sleep at night and the pain cramps are exhausting.
Today the chief doctor of the hospital talked to me. They will take me to my big CF- hospital by helicopter as soon as they can. My health is too bad to transport me in an ambulance. They say my lungs- situation gets worse quickly and that I have to be in a special hospital if I want to survive till my lung transplant. I feel that breathing becomes harder and i’m coughing more Blood. I’m not excited about going to the other hospital because It is 3 hours away from my family and friends so it’s hard for them to visit me.
My hubby is in America right now so I am alone almost all day. I miss him so much.
The strong pain makes it impossible to concentrate on reading or watching movies, so most of the time i am thinking or dreaming. I imagine what I will do when I have my new lungs. I want to travel a lot 🙂 I want to see the world. Most patients at my age want to go to clubs after their transplants. I want to see the northern lights, the grand canyon, I want to go on a bike tour. I can’t wait to take a deep breath of clean, cold air in the morning. I don’t give a damn about clubs, parties and alcohol. I get new lungs so why should I look forward to breath bad air in a club, full of smoke etc? I want to spend a lot of time outside. I can’t wait to smell grass, forests, flowers, I can’t wait to smell the rain and the salty air close to the ocean.
I am so excited when I think about it, that I don’t think about the pain right now. That is just the price I have to pay for a new life, and my new life will be awesome!
It’s not easy for me at the moment, but I will never give up.
I am so thankful for my life. I’m blessed with a great family, a handsome fiancé, true friends and a lot of nurses and doctors that fight for me every day.
I wanna thank everybody that is staying by my side in this fight.
I know I will win. No matter how hard it will become, I’m not gonna give up.